Thursday, July 27, 2006

Driving Force

I have had at least three months to worry, fret,and ponder what my next move should be. I have been going to college with a focus still on children. I know I cannot continue being a nanny ~ if not because of the physical pain it causes...rather, because I am about to be an "ex". I have endured the pain for many years, through many families with children I bonded to easily. It is because of the pain that I must face a wider screen. One which does not display much of a future if I want to continue being a risk taker. I am about to become an "ex". An "ex" without any form of health insurance, and that is not a good thing. Some would say becoming an "ex" is not all it is cracked up to be period. I guess it would depend upon whom YOUR particular "ex" happened to be. This is not a station in life which is new to me. Not by a long shot. The first time the title was given to me, I felt the sky open....birds singing louder, the sun somehow sunnier. I felt as if I had options in life. In fact, my slate was completely wiped clean. Void of the "control freak" I had been joined to for 14 years of my life. Years (my father keep telling me) were the BEST of my life, now wasted. Good to know. I was brought back to reality the first time my (then) "ex" came by to pick up our "joint" child. It is difficult to be so basic about someone that means the world to you........that being the child (obviously NOT the "ex"....who caused the sun to cease from shining at all) This little person put an exclamation point at the end of every day I held him, talked to him, read to him.....just plain watched him. I wrongly thought the divorce would make all things better. He has been calling me much more frequently as of late. He is about to have the chance for an "exclamation point" placed at the end of his every day. His wife is 7 months pregnant. They send me a picture last night. He has his arms wrapped around her rather large belly....and a shy smile on his face. He looks happy, focused. They are about to buy their first house...with the help of....guess who? YEP....the EVIL first "ex". I have had to push down all feelings of hatred, jealousy, or whatever it may be called. I was never given a house....I feel I created a "home"....with much effort. But a tangible structure one could look at and say..."Hey I own that"....or "I built that", those words would never come from me. Not in regards to a wooden structure. But health insurance aside, marriage aside, I helped build the picture I saw last night.....that happy face. I am praying his arms will always enfold that woman....and that woman only. She deserves, as most women do....never to be called an "ex". I am going back into the health make sure I have insurance no matter what else may happen. I will just have to find ways of squeezing little people into my life minus the job title. Seems I have found children in general put that exclamation point on my life at the end of the day.


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