Monday, August 21, 2006

School Daze

I have not been dead for two weeks.

Nor am I a sloth.

I have not been endlessly soaking in a hot tub, or basking in a slather of sunscreen.

No, I have been biting my nails to the ::nubbin:: trying to get myself into my brand new career choice. I don't remember getting ready for school taking on the morphic dimensions this snail paced endeavor has become. I definitely do not remember it taking a whopp'n three months to accomplish. Where is my mommy? She used to handle these matters so much more efficiently. I can't even go to her for advice.....Lord knows my face turns heavenward painfully searching for a miracle.

I can say I had a better summer experience than in past years.

I can say there were some moments when I was able to release my mind from the eventual "Next BIG thing".

I must admit however, the knowledge that I would soon become a ranting, raving, ill tempered bitch person was ever looming around the bend. I vowed this would be the year I would not be required to place a long distance call to any supervisor in Tallahassee because my counselor did not see the need for books to go along with each required course. (?)

I even claimed a chipper new mantra, "I will be grateful, I will be grateful."

I have jumped through many a hoop in the past with Vocational Rehabilitation. I told myself this year I would simply go with the flow and remind myself OFTEN how lucky I am that things are financially being taken care of on my behalf. I mean, things could be SO much worse.

I could be obtaining my education behind bars ~ eating in a "homey"cafeteria with other gang members seeking, no doubt, to better themselves.

Because of the divorce, I now know all one needs to ~ regarding how to obtain food stamps and medical assistance. I have a much larger picture of what the "have nots" go through on a daily basis. Are they as grateful as I am? I doubt it. Looking at their faces, they have never known it to be any other way. But, I still think they are brave. They are a sector of people who have not given up by taking an overdose, or simply walking away from their responsibilities. Some are even going to college, like myself to become, what the "haves" would consider to be "better citizens" of this fine state.

So, if that is my intent, why am I the only one who KNOWS it? I have come to the conclusion my counselors are playing a game at my expense. They are probably even setting bets as to my eventual demise. They figure if it can be made as difficult as possible, I may throw up my hands in despair.....or just throw up.

Let me tell you, there are days....

I hang in there because I have this amazing survival thing going for me. If I do not complete my mission I will cease to be.

I saw an add in a newspaper today which listed the perfect job qualifications. "Wanted...teacher for infants ~ toddlers. Excellent benefits: paid vacation, 401K, dental, medical and vision."

I turned to my best friend and asked, "Why the hell am I going to school? What is the matter with me? I will not be getting much more in pay than this job is offering, and I am already trained for this position. This is what I LOVE to do. What am I DOOOOOing?"

She looked at me as if I had reached an even higher level of dementia.

"You have two screws and a wire holding what is left of your right arm together. You are without any medical insurance, and you are about to be dumped. You no longer can lift 20~60 pounds repetitively day in and day out."

Friends can be so ruthless when given an opportunity for freedom of speech.

God love them.

Okay, I can accept all of those truths regarding myself, but I still do not understand why going to school has to be full of dread. I know once all is set in place and classes have actually started I will be fine. Until then, I still have about three more hoops being lifted over my head.

I could not help it that I did not have to use the restroom for the drug test today. It put me so far off schedule, I did not make it to my next appointed errand.....placing my book list in the palm of my counselor. She will most likely refer to it as my "wish list"....as she did in having to pay for the required physical etc.

I can tell you right now, filling a cup is SO way off my "wish list" it is beyond beyond.

Well, at least I will not have to shop for clothes. The delightful blue scrubs will be my fashion statement for the next 10 months. There must be a way to accessorize.

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